


21st

by orphan_account



Series: Omega Captain America [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alpha Bucky Barnes, Alpha Natasha Romanov, Alpha Phil Coulson, Alpha Tony Stark, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Flashbacks, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Multi, Omega Bruce Banner, Omega Clint Barton, Omega Steve Rogers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Steve Rogers Feels
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-20
Updated: 2015-04-20
Packaged: 2018-02-13 22:39:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 17,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2167824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"As he walks down the street, a couple of alphas catcall at him, but he ignores them. He misses Bucky. </p><p>He finds a public bathroom that's relatively clean, and puts his clothes back on. He managed to save the bottle of scent blocker, and he hates to pull it out of his pocket. He hates to pretend, now, but the world still expects him to be Captain America. And there's no one expecting him to be their omega. So, as Steve Rogers, alpha, he finds an apartment."</p><p>OR</p><p>Omega Captain America in the 21st Century, leading the Avengers, and dealing with all the ghosts left behind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. (Terrifying) New World

**Author's Note:**

> This series is brought to you by 'I need to stop staying up til 2 in the morning.' Interestingly enough, this series is also my only attempt at an Avengers fic that isn't just porn, so if I fuck up any characterizations, slap me in the face about it. At the time of this posting, it is also un-betaed, so any mistakes are all mine.
> 
> EDIT: Because I usually post these at ridiculous o'clock in the morning, sometimes I fuck up with tags. And chapters. Namely, I fucked up a couple relationship tags, and that this wasn't supposed to be a oneshot. Really sorry about that, guys.

"Steven G. Rogers. Alpha. Served from 1941 to 1945. Also known as Captain America. Led a team called the Howling Commandos. Did I miss anything, soldier?" Nick Fury has a General's kind of presence, but he's an insensitive jackass.

"No sir." Steve’s hand goes for Bucky's dog tags, only to realize that they aren't there. He can't breath for a moment.

"Something wrong, Captain?" Fury looks at him like he’s dissecting him with his eyes. Eye.

Steve has to take a deep breath and set his teeth to even talk. "My dog tags. Where are they?"

Fury's one good eye fixes him with a stare, and Steve meets  it. "They're being cataloged. I'm sure Agent Coulson will retrieve them for you."

Steve takes another breath. "All due respect, sir, I'd like to retrieve them myself."

Fury levels a harder look at him, and Steve's terrified that Fury'll say no, or ask why, but instead he just gives a curt jerk of his head. "Coulson, would you escort the Captain down to cataloging?"

Coulson is an alpha, mid-forties, balding, who has a very strange look in his eye. "Of course, Director."

As soon as they've left Fury's office, Coulson sticks his hand out. "Phil Coulson. I'm a great fan, Captain."

It's almost uncomfortable, the amount of scrutiny Coulson has in that look. Steve takes his hand anyway. "Thank you, Agent Coulson."

They don't move for a minute, so Steve clears his throat. It seems to break Coulson out of his bizarre trance, and he leads Steve to Cataloging, which is a room the size of a warehouse, full of all sorts of artifacts and... Other things.

"Agent Goulding." Coulson is clearly expecting an immediate reaction to her name. He gets it.

"Yes, Sir?" Agent Goulding is clearly Coulson's subordinate, because she stops working the minute he addresses her.

"You were in charge of cataloguing Captain Rogers' belongings?" Coulson looks at her expectantly.

"Yes, Sir." She slides a folder towards Agent Coulson, and he leafs through it, before unlocking a drawer in the filing cabinet behind her.

Agent Coulson slides out a tray of smaller belongings, and Steve has to control the jerk reaction to seeing Bucky's tags. He wants to cradle them to his chest, the last remnants of his Bucky, of the big apartment, the six kids, the dresses, the normal life. He wants to cry. He still doesn't have that luxury.

Instead, Steve nods at Agent Coulson, and he hands him the whole tray. The dog tags are freezing cold, which hurts. They've never been cold, he never took them off long enough. He tries to ignore it, and slides the picture of Peggy into his pants pocket. He still hopes that she got married.

\---

After Shield lets Steve back into society, he isn't sure what to do with himself. He starts by ducking into a department store, wallet unusually full of Shield's money. The clothes are a lot more expensive then he would have thought, but he doesn't ask. He doesn't want to draw any attention to himself.

Bag in hand, Steve disappears into an Omega's restroom and into a stall before anyone can show up to say anything. He dresses quickly, with all the precision of a soldier, but he takes his time applying the make up. He saw his mother do it hundreds of times, had her do it to him hundreds of times, but he doesn't want to mess it up. So he's careful. Then he takes a step back, and admires his handiwork. The skirt is a bit shorter than he would've worn in the forties, and the shirt shows off a little too much cleavage, but he feels beautiful. Just in case, he scrubs the last vestiges of his artificial scent blocker off.

Steve's sure that Shield has someone watching him, but he's pretty sure that no one will recognize him, at least, not dressed like this. He makes sure to walk like an omega, and the way his hips sway feels so much more natural.

As Steve walks down the streets of New York, of course people look at him, but they're just looking at him, not at Captain America, and that's an unbearable weight off of his shoulders.

The first thing he does, newly free, heart still painfully raw, is find the apartment he and Bucky lived in. It's still there, amazingly enough, and people still live in it. He can hear the sharp cries of an omega in heat, and his heart pangs. He's sharply reminded of all the time he wasted with Bucky. He leaves just as quickly as he came.

As he walks down the street, a couple of alphas catcall at him, but he ignores them. He misses Bucky.

Steve finds a public bathroom that's relatively clean, and puts his clothes back on. He managed to save the bottle of scent blocker, and he hates to pull it out of his pocket. He hates to pretend, now, but the world still expects him to be Captain America. And there's no one expecting him to be their omega. So, as Steve Rogers, alpha, he finds an apartment.

As Steve Rogers, alpha, he goes to see Peggy Carter.

"Steve?" Peggy looks like she's seen a ghost

"I guess I missed our date." He holds her hand and sits by her bedside.

"It's- you're here." She's crying, and he feels so bad, so bad for lying to her. All those years, and he could have told her. But he didn't.

"Yeah, Peggy. I'm here. I'm here." He holds her hand and dries her tears and feels so, so guilty.

\----

Fury expects Steve to lead a team. He springs it on him within two weeks while Steve's turning a punching bag into dust. Steve's not sure if Fury has a death wish or is just that desperate. He doesn't really care, either way.

Steve really, really wants to spit in Fury's face. Wants to refuse, point blank, but he can't. He has absolutely nothing, and no one, and there are people he can help. He's better off living, and helping people, than being selfish and dying. At least, that's what he keeps telling himself.

\----

Tony Stark is an ass. He's a genius, of course, (he is Howard's son) but he's selfish, egotistical, narcissistic, ridiculously privileged, and an unrepentant philanderer. He's the kind of alpha that used to have other alphas beat the tar out of him. When he starts trying to talk up Dr. Banner, Steve has already had enough of Howard Stark Junior.

Agent Romanov is reasonable enough, although Steve makes sure that she doesn't have any grudges against him before he turns his back on her.

Dr. Banner is an omega, and Steve feels a bit like a mother hen, with the way he's looking at Stark, but not enough to stop glaring. He wants this team to work, but not at the cost of Banner being sexually harassed.

"So, to add to the list of things capsicle doesn't like: living? Check. Fun? Check." Stark doesn't even seem fazed.

Steve grits his teeth and pointedly does not punch Stark in his.

\----

Getting thrown through the woods is a familiar experience by now. Getting thrown through the woods by an angry man who doesn't smell like any gender, but acts like an alpha, is definitely a new one, though. The weird armor and giant hammer just make it stranger.

"I am Thor, Prince of Asgard, and I have come to return my brother to his proper realm."For some reason, alien princes sound British. If Steve wasn't examining his chest for broken ribs (of which he has two, but they're mending), he might find that funny.

Steve feels like sitting down. Stark and Banner want to ask questions.

Steve pretty much tunes out the scientific nonsense coming out of their mouths, until Stark gets to, "And how does reproductive biology work on your planet?" at which point Steve wants to stop him but is just too damn curious to let it go.

"A warrior will court the lady of his choosing, and they shall couple until offspring is born of their loins! Is this not how Midgardians are born?" Thor looks honestly confused. Steve can't imagine this conversation going well.

Steve remembers Thor saying something about finding an omega scientist he had been interested in and thinks that he is going to be in for one hell of a shock.

"No. Not even close." Stark goes back to tapping on the Stark pad in front of him and doesn't seem to be continuing.

So Steve takes it upon himself. "On Earth, er, Midgard, we have two genders."

Stark seems to have started paying attention again and starts talking instead. "There are two external genders, male and female. But there are three secondary genders, which are what really matters in the sheets."

Steve shoots Stark a glare, and Stark smirks at him. "Alphas and omegas traditionally do the deed," he winks at Banner, and God help him, Steve is going to throw Stark out of this damn plane, pretty soon, "and male betas and female betas have sex with one another. Omegas, male or female, ovulate, every four months. During that week they're a sobbing, desperate mess-"

"Stark, that's entirely inappropriate-!" Steve feels a bit like one of the nuns at the orphanage.

"-who want nothing more than an alpha's thick, hard-" Stark’s voice is getting louder.

"Stark, I swear to God-" They’re practically wrestling, now, and Steve is trying to get him to shut up.

"-knotted-!" Stark is persistent.

Steve resists punching Stark and instead puts his hand over his mouth. And keeps it there, despite Stark licking his hand like a twelve year-old. "Stark is a terrible example of an alpha-"

"Mmph!"

"-and you definitely shouldn't talk to any omega like that."

Thor sits there, staring at them, and then bursts out laughing. "Your humor on Midgard is most amusing!"

At this particular moment in time, Banner goes into heat. Steve feels a millisecond of guilt over Stark possibly being less of an ass when an omega in pre-heat wasn’t around, before tackling him to the ground. He doesn't feel that bad.


	2. Hide My Face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Steve thinks it's probably Fury's tone of voice, that sets him off. 'Compromised? Compromised? And, what, exactly, Director, do you consider compromised? Having a normal life? Getting married? Having children? Not being a soldier? You don't have to worry about me, Director. As unimportant as my 'forties romance' is to you, me wanting to be a normal dame flew out a window after Bucky went missing. I guess your ability to sympathize went out the window with your eye.' "

After they save New York, (and apparently, being the Hulk allows Bruce to avoid his heat, which is, of course, great, and even lets him celebrate for a while, until Stark whisks him away to his crumbling tower) Steve's expecting someone to ask why he didn't react to Bruce going into heat. Apparently, love (and near death experiences) really does conquer all, because Stark and Bruce are gone, and once Natasha gets Barton back, the two of them take off to "find Phil."

Steve takes this as an opportunity to get some sleep, but at the press conference the next morning, he's pretty sure he got about as much sleep as the rest of the team. And, once Thor leaves, he really feels like the odd man out. He steadfastly tries not to think of Bucky when Barton finishes Natasha's sentence. He also steadfastly fails, and continues to fail, all the way to Washington D.C.

When Steve gets there, he starts dressing like an omega again. Until Shield needs him, his name is Grant Stevens, and his closet is full of the laciest dresses he could find. He resists using Barnes, but just barely. Just barely.

Steve gets a job at a boutique, and, although he knows he'll eventually have to give it up, he likes it a lot better than he would have thought. Being an omega, in general, is easy. Sure, he's had a few alphas make him uncomfortable, but he can definitely take care of himself.

He's doing fine, starts taking jogs in the morning. Which is how he meets Sam, who gets a little bent outta shape about not being able to run as fast as him.

"How do you manage to run that fast?" Sam's panting as they sit on a park bench.

"I was in the military. More than enough opportunities to run in combat." Steve feels a little awkward, telling him that, but he's proud of his service, and he isn't going to lie about anything more than his name.

Sam is impressed. More importantly, Sam was in a Special Ops unit and invites him to one of his group therapy sessions.

"I just might do that." Steve smiles, and Sam smiles back.

Steve's finally getting to know people, and it's nice. One of the omegas he works with, Daphne, is supposed to come over to his apartment, so they can go see a picture. Steve is bound and determined to not stare, or make any comments about the movies in the future, no matter how amazing they are. He really wants to make friends with his coworkers, so he's really pleased when Daphne is a couple minutes early. He's significantly less pleased when he opens the door, not to Daphne, but to Natasha Romanov. And by less pleased, he means angry and terrified.

"Captain- Well. You look lovely, Rogers. What's the occasion?" Natasha is staring at his skirt.

Steve wishes, for a second, that he was one of those dames who fainted. He isn't, though, and he has no idea how to deal with this. "I-"

"Director," she's speaking into her earpiece, "I think Captain Rogers is having an identity crisis."

That is how Steve's come to be sitting in the conference room of Stark tower, trying to disappear.

"So, let me get this straight: Captain America, who alphas have been looking up to for almost eighty years, is, in reality, a smoking hot omega?" Stark is staring at his chest, and he feels distinctly like a piece of meat about to be butchered.

Dr. Banner looks very uncomfortable.

"Stark, if you ever say that to me again, I can't be held responsible for what might happen to your genitalia." Steve hopes that his glare is enough to stop Howard Stark’s son from ever hitting on him again. In combination with a head whack from Natasha, Stark seems to get the message.

"Geez. Is Romanov suddenly the "no ogling" police?" Steve is a little less angry when Stark winces.

"Yes." Natasha looks pleased with herself.

Fury looks, well, furious. "When, exactly, Captain, were you going to inform someone of your actual gender?"

"I wasn't, Sir." Steve winces. He can't help it, because, really, it was naïve of him to think that he could keep this, this basic part of him, out of Shield.

"What I wanna know is how no one managed to figure it out when you went into heat." Stark seems honestly curious. Steve honestly hates Stark.

Steve can't say it. Bucky’s name won’t come out. His throat closes up, and they're all staring at him. He wants the floor to come up and swallow him. He levels his eyes at the table, and then closes them.

"Sergeant Barnes." He whispers, but he knows they heard it.

"Sergeant Barnes? As in, the Sergeant Barnes who fell-" Barton starts to say it, how his Bucky died.  

Apparently even Stark has enough tact not to finish Barton’s sentence.

"Don't." Steve can’t begin to say it himself, much less let Barton say it.

Fury keeps glaring at Steve, but he'll be damned if he's gonna start crying in front of the only people in the world who know who he really is.

"Captain, as interesting as your forties romance is, we have more pressing concerns. Such as, what happens if you're compromised?" Fury has both hands on the table, and is glaring down at him.

 

Steve thinks it's probably Fury's tone of voice, that sets him off. "Compromised? Compromised? And, what, exactly, Director, do you consider compromised? Having a normal life? Getting married? Having children? Not being a soldier? You don't have to worry about me, Director. As unimportant as my 'forties romance' is to you, me wanting to be a normal dame flew out a window after Bucky went missing. I guess your ability to sympathize went out the window with your eye."

Fury  looks like he might burst a blood vessel. Steve leaves before he can say anything. They're at Stark's Tower, which supposedly is the Avenger's Tower, now. The only good it does him is that he can get a taxi.

\-----

Steve doesn't go home. They would look for him there anyway. He finds a cheap hotel where the clerk looks at him like meat, the beds are hard, and the shower doesn't work too well. It feels more like home than his nice little apartment in DC.

He knows that they'll track him down eventually, but he's got at least a little while. Half an hour, maybe. He tried to avoid as many cameras as possible, and there are a lot of blondes in New York.

Eventually, it's Natasha who comes to find him. Steve had planned on taking a shower, getting some sleep, doing something. Instead, he just sits there for about an hour. He notices, of course, when she comes in.

"People usually knock, before comin' in." He looks up at her, and wishes that one of the only people he trusts wouldn’t have to see him like this.

"Assassins aren't usually categorized as people." Maybe she’s trying to lighten the mood. It doesn’t work.

**  
**He scowls at her. Natasha picks up the tab for his hotel, and the clerk looks like someone kicked his dog.


	3. The Life In A Mask

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> " 'So let me get this straight. The omega I totally thought I was charming with my early morning sweaty wiles, is really Captain America? How do people not know that? Wait a minute, more importantly, why are the two of you even here?'
> 
> 'We're being hunted by Shield. Well, Hydra.' Natasha is picking her nails with a spare knife.
> 
> 'Motherfucker.' "

In the end, Fury makes Steve come work for Shield. That's what it takes, apparently, to keep him "safe." He has some definite words he would like to say to Fury, but he did know that this was coming, so he tries to cut down on the insults. Steve ends up spending a year and a half being Fury’s janitor.

Which is how Steve ends up with Nick Fury in the living room of his new New York apartment. Playing music on Steve’s record player. And talking about his wife while showing Steve something entirely different. And that is also how Steve ends up hauling Nick Fury's body out of the line of fire and having his (maybe) would-be assassin actually catch his shield.

Steve would be angry (Why did Fury have to pick him, when didn’t want anything to do with Shield in the first place?), if he weren't upset. Fury might be an ass, but that doesn't mean he deserves to die. He's still pacing, when Nick goes under. Under under. What's sad, is that he's pretty sure Nick didn't have a wife, or anybody else, who would care that he had died. (Somewhere in the back of his mind, somethin' whispers that Steve wouldn't, either. He just resists putting his hand through the wall.)

\---

Pierce is- Well. If Steve hadn't believed Fury before, he believes him now. Once the Strike team attacks him in the elevator, he knows he has to get that memory stick back. He takes off. Tries to recover it before Shield does.. Natasha recovers it before both of them.

Natasha takes him to a mall. They steal some clothes, although he doesn't really want to. Natasha figures they'll be looking for two alphas, given that Fury never changed his gender in Shield records. So, she discreetly wears high heels.

"Wear this." She shoves some clothes at him, and he changes in a store bathroom.

"We're pretty tall, but other than that, we should look like normal hipsters. As normal as hipsters ever are." He feels a little lost, but he can't afford to feel lost right now, so he just nods and goes along with it. And tries not to act like there's something wrong, even when Natasha kisses him.

Steve's not sure about now, but in the forties, that was something you got smacked for. Of course, this isn't then, and he kind of doubts any situation even remotely like this one happened then.

\-----

Sometimes, Steve almost regrets joining the military. For instance, times like right now, where his old army base is in ruins, he's on the run from the organization he works for with an assassin, who happens to be the person he trusts most. And he's in a top secret, abandoned Hydra base, talking to the scientist who tortured his Bucky.

"Did he tell you, Captain?" Zola’s face might be computerized, but he can hear the smirk in his voice.

Steve is not going to rise to Zola's bait. He isn't.

"How well he performed for me?" Zola’s tone of voice is like a combination of lust, power, and ultimate gloating.

Steve's not sure if he's going to vomit or combust. His hand slams through the screen before he can even think about it.

"Now, now, Captain. You would not begrudge an omega his pleasures, would you? Even as an alpha, you must have seen that he was... Attractive." Zola pulls up a photo of Bucky.

Natasha has to physically restrain him.

"He. Was. Mine." Steve didn't want to do this, had no intention of letting Zola know about what Bucky was to him, has no idea what Zola still has access to, from here. To have Hydra know about him being an omega- The torn between puking and exploding feeling comes back full force.

"But he always begged to differ, hmm?" Zola doesn’t seem to realize what Steve is saying.

Steve still feels like he could rip this entire place down, buildings and all, he's so angry.

"Even now, Captain, you are too late to save the ones you are charged with." Zola sounds smug, even as he announces his own death.

“Steve, we’ve got a bogie.” Natasha looks up from her screen in time to see the door closing.

\----

Not being blown up is something Steve thanks God for preventing, every time it almost happens. Which is more times than he can count.

In the end, mildly singed and looking grungy as hell, Steve and Natasha show up at Sam's house. Steve makes sure Natasha stands where Sam can't see her. His attempts to make his hair look nicer don't really work, so he gives up.

"Grant?" Sam looks surprised. He can’t blame him.

"Er, Steve, actually. Listen Sam, I know you don't really know me, but I really need you to let me stay here, just for a few hours." Steve really tries hard to not feel bad about the way Sam’s eyes brighten at that. And wander. He knows how this must sound. Usually, something like this means that a dame is- interested.

"Yeah, yeah, uh, sure! Let me just clean up a little, you like Chinese?" Sam looks like a kid in a candy shop.

Natasha comes out from around the side. "I don't know about the Captain, but I do." Then she walks into his house like she owns it.

\----

"So let me get this straight. The omega I totally thought I was charming with my early morning sweaty wiles, is really Captain America? How do people not know that? Wait a minute, more importantly, why are the two of you even here?"

"We're being hunted by Shield. Well, Hydra." Natasha is picking her nails with a spare knife.

"Motherfucker."

\-------

Steve has no idea how this guy can keep coming back. And the metal arm. Stark would probably be drooling over it, but Steve wants to know how this guy can use it like a real arm.

The alpha seems to react faster with that arm than he does with the other, and even when Steve tries to target his right side, his left arm blocks it. He's like a machine, and Steve's not really sure if he can incapacitate someone who doesn't seem to feel pain.

And then. The face that's been shooting at Steve, trying to kill him and innocent civilians, is the same face that saved him, that other dames were trippin' over themselves to impress, that buried itself in Steve’s neck and chanted "I love you" until Steve felt like the words had been engraved into his bones.

"Bucky?" Steve voice is breathy, but he forgets about it a second after he notices.

 **  
** "Who the hell is Bucky?" Bucky’s voice is scratchy like it isn’t used it much. Sam kicks Bucky in the face before he can shoot Steve.


	4. Internal Monologue Of Sins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> " 'Zola.' Steve wishes he had been the one to launch the Bogie onto Zola’s bunker. 'He didn't just stop at- He experimented on him. It must have helped him survive the fall. Zola must have found him.'
> 
> 'None of that's your fault, Steve.' Natasha’s head lolls against the back of the van.
> 
> ‘You know that isn't true’ wants to come out of Steve’s mouth, but he can't relive that moment in the bar, not now, not here."

"Who the hell is Bucky?"

The man on the bridge is Bucky. Steve’s Bucky. His voice is scratchy and rough, and he looks nothing like his Bucky. He acts nothing like Steve’s Bucky. He doesn't even recognize Steve.

(Steve wants to go back into the ice when Bucky looks at him, not seeing, not recognizing him).

Sam kicks Bucky in the face, Natasha shoots at him, and he's gone. Even if it means fighting to Steve’s death, he wants his Bucky back.

("Did you respect him?" plays on in his head, intermixed with "I love you, I love you, I love you...")

Steve's barely aware of what's going on around him. It's dangerous, but- But.

" Zola." Steve wishes he had been the one to launch the Bogie onto Zola’s bunker. "He didn't just stop at- He experimented on him. It must have helped him survive the fall. Zola must have found him."

"None of that's your fault, Steve." Natasha’s head lolls against the back of the van.

‘You know that isn't true’ wants to come out of Steve’s mouth, but he can't relive that moment in the bar, not now, not here.

"Even when I had nothing, I had Bucky." Steve can picture a million moments from the life of a poor kid who had nothing but Bucky. He simultaneously wants to shoot himself, and to shoot anyone and everything that ever hurt Bucky.

Sam looks at the floor.

("You're my best dame, Stevie.")

\----

Hill snuck in with the Strike team. One more alpha in a van. Critical error on Rumlow’s part. But Steve’s mind is revolving around Bucky. Hill gets them out, and Steve has to focus. He has no idea where the hell they are. But Fury is here, and Fury is alive, and Fury is damn lucky Steve doesn't fight the injured. No matter how much they may deserve it.

"Can't kill ya' if you're already dead." Apparently, Fury doesn't trust Steve that much. He can't say that he blames him.

\---

Steve does trust Fury enough to know how his metal angels of death work, with all the work he put into those helicarriers. Steve trusts himself enough to know that Bucky aside (his heart feels like it's been put in the new blender in his kitchen), he can fix this, these people don’t have to die. It's not too late. Shield isn't too big to take down.

"Look, I didn't know about Barnes.” Fury is trying to use Bucky to save his own organization. Steve wonders how Fury wasn’t recruited by Hydra.

"Even if you did, you wouldn't have told me. You said it yourself Nick, you need me too much to let me be 'compromised.' My 'forties romance' is unimportant to Shield's daily agenda of protecting the people that ruined it in the first place. Shield, Hydra, it all goes." He uses what Bucky used to call his “Captain America pose.”

"Well," Fury looks like somebody just force fed him an iron ball. "Looks like you're giving the orders now, Captain."

\----

Steve stands on the dam and looks at the water. For some reason, he's reminded of the time after his Aunt Linda's funeral. She'd taken him in after the orphanage, had kept his secret. Had taken care of him for six months, because Bucky couldn't afford to support the two of them. Bucky never was able to afford it, but he insisted. He always insisted.

Bucky had been wearing a real suit, hair slicked back, wearin' a real tie, handsome even while grieving. He handed Steve the key to the apartment door, hidden under a rock. Steve had wanted so badly to tell Bucky, tell him that he was an omega, in that moment, that seventy years later, his heart still pangs with what he could have had.

"Thank you, Buck. But I can get by on my own." He’s standing apart from him, because right now, Steve can’t take loving him, and not having him.

Steve turned his head away, and, looking back on it, it  must have hurt both of them.

"The thing is, you don't have to." Bucky had clamped his hand onto Steve’s shoulder and given him that look that was too serious for a twenty-year old. "I'm with you 'til the end of the line, pal."

Sam finds Steve as he's standing there, still lost in memories. "He's gonna be there, y'know."

"I know." Steve pulls away from the guardrail.

"And whoever he used to be- your best friend, your second in command, your alpha- whoever he is now-" Sam stops for a minute, and Steve knows he doesn't want to hear what's going to come out of his mouth. "I don't think he's the kind you save, I think he's the kind you stop."

Steve thinks about growing up with Bucky, watching Bucky punch an alpha who was beating on him, kissing Bucky in the snow- "I don't know if I can do that."

"He might not give you a choice. He doesn't see 'omega I love.' He sees a threat. He doesn't know you." Sam gives him a worried look, that Steve can’t stop to think about.

"He will." Steve believes that- has to. Because the only thing worse than Bucky being dead, is Bucky being alive, and not knowing who Steve is. Attacking him.

\-----

Hydra manages to launch the ships. Steve's not sure how it happens, but that doesn't change anything.

"Hey Cap, found those bad guys you were talkin' about." Sam’s voice comes in over the com, underscored with gunfire.

"You okay?" Steve is hitting an agent in the face, but he can get over there if he has to.

"Yeah. I think I should probably start asking for a first date before going into battle, next time." Sam’s laugh is blurred out by more gunshots, and wind.

\---

Bucky- The Winter Soldier shows up just as Steve is about to override the third helicarrier. They stand there, face to face, only a few feet away, and farther apart than they've ever been.

"People are gonna die, Buck. I can't let that happen."

They stand there.

"Please don't make me do this."

("God, Stevie, love you, love you so much-")

They stand there.

Steve throws the shield.

They're finally evenly matched, but now they're on the wrong sides. Bucky shoots him. He hits Bucky. Bucky knifes him. He chokes Bucky.

Steve doesn’t think about how he might have killed the love of his life and runs for the ship's center. The love of his life shoots him in the leg. And again in the stomach. Red blossoms across his uniform. Steve shuts the helicarrier down. It's done.

"Fire now!” He’s not leaving Bucky. But he can’t compromise their mission. ("We'll have one of those nice row houses, out in the suburbs. No one'll look for Captain America in upstate New York. Five kids, Stevie.")

Steve almost does it. Lets them die. Until Bucky (Bucky, Bucky, Bucky, always Bucky, his Bucky) screams. He's trapped under a metal beam, and Steve moves without thinking. Leaps over a fence, stumbles to Bucky.

"You know me." Steve’s in pain, just lifted a metal beam, but he’s determined.

Bucky hits him again. "No, I don't!"

"Bucky, you've known me your whole life." Steve spits out blood.

Steve hits the ground again.

"Your name- Is James Buchanan Barnes." Steve’s breathing heavy, and he’s having a hard time standing, but he’s not backing down.

Again.

"Shut up!" Bucky looks like he’s coming undone.

Steve yanks his helmet off and turns to face Bucky again. "I'm not gonna fight you, Bucky. You're my alpha."

Bucky rams into him this time. "You're my mission!" His voice is a growl, low, and scratchy, and he hits Steve, again and again, metal joints gone bloody. "You're. My. Mission!"

"Then finish it. Because I'm- with you 'til the end of the line."

Steve falls. Bucky stares after him.

It's fitting, that this should be the end. Bucky was his first everything. Bucky will be his last everything, too.

Steve's vaguely aware of someone lifting him, placing him on something. Hands pound on his chest, and he blacks out.

\----

Steve wakes up to music, and Sam sitting by his bed. "On your left."

\---

"Wanted to ask if you'd come." Fury has traded out his leather coat, and is wearing sunglasses.

"I think I'm a little too compromised for that." Going anywhere with Nick Fury promises to be a dangerous venture. For Fury.

"How 'bout you, Wilson? Could use an alpha with your abilities." Fury’s resilient ability to try and recruit anyone really does make him wonder.

"I'm more of a soldier than a spy. And I never could say no to a pretty face." Sam grins at him.

Fury shakes their hands.

Natasha shows up at the same time Fury leaves. "That thing you asked for. Called in a few favors from Kiev." She hands him a folder, covered in Russian and symbols. There’s a Hydra stamp in the center.

She kisses him goodbye. "Be careful, Steve. Might not want to pull on that thread."

Steve shakes his head. "You know that's not an option."

There are two photos of Bucky on the inside cover: one in his uniform, and one in a freezer.

"You're goin' after him." It’s not a question: Sam knows he’s going to.

"Sam, I get it if you don't want to come with me. I get it if you want to forget you ever met me." Steve has dealt with worse, and really, he has no right to ask Sam to follow him after Bucky.

"Hey, this asshole owes me a new ride. Your alpha or not, he's gonna pay me back. 'Sides, Captain America is sure to get me a date or two." Sam grins at him. "When do we start?"


	5. Finding Ghosts (Of Loved Ones Past)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Bucky had wrapped his hand around the back of his neck. 'Stevie, somebody's gotta take care of you. And I guess you think I'm good enough for the job... You're the best thing I've ever had.'
> 
> His dream changes. Bucky's hand, holding him close, grows cold against his neck, and a the sharp edge of a piece concrete is pressing into his back. 'Bucky, please-'
> 
> Steve wakes up before he can figure out what he was asking for."

The first night after Steve and Sam go looking (which is the first time he's slept in three days), he dreams of Bucky, taking first watch, sitting up on a crumbling window sill. Steve remembers that night as if it had happened yesterday. They had been in Austria, camping out in a shelled out building. According to the sign (according to Gabe, really), it had been an orphanage.

Steve had been next for the night watch, and his watch read an hour after Bucky was supposed to wake him up. "Buck, come on. You gotta stop letting me sleep late." He was almost whispering, trying not to wake the other Commandos up.

Bucky had turned in the window, one foot dangling off the sill, one leg in a crouching position. And then he had grinned at him. "Just gettin’ a head start on that marriage, Stevie. One day you're gonna thank me for lettin' ya sleep late." 

Bucky climbed down from the window and wrapped his hands around Steve's waist. Pressed him up against a crumbling wall and kissed him 'til he was dizzy. He brushed something out of Steve’s hair with the hand not leaning on the wall behind them and pressed their foreheads together like when they were kids. 

"Buck-"

Bucky had wrapped his hand around the back of his neck. "Stevie, somebody's gotta take care of you. And I guess you think I'm good enough for the job... You're the best thing I've ever had."

His dream changes. Bucky's hand, holding him close, grows cold against his neck, and a the sharp edge of a piece concrete is pressing into his back. "Bucky, please-"

Steve wakes up before he can figure out what he was asking for.

\----

They sleep in a dingy motel in Brooklyn, with a continental breakfast that has stale bagels and bizarre colored cereal. Needless to say, they go down the street for breakfast.

"Where d'you think he would go?" Sam is drinking a cup of coffee, breakfast long gone. 

Steve's eating his third stack of pancakes by now. He puts the fork down. He's suddenly not hungry. "Bucky always wanted to see the Midwest. Chicago, Salt Lake City. But now- I'm not sure what he's gonna do." He doesn't want to begin to think about Bucky thinking like an assassin. Like The Winter- He won't even think the words. 

"I guess we're goin' west, then." Sam knocks back the last of his coffee, and they go back to the hotel. 

\----

Before they leave New York, Steve decides to go see Peggy. He needs to tell her before he leaves. All of it. Even if she doesn't remember, at least he'll be able to apologize. 

"You going somewhere?" Sam is sitting at the rickety table in their room, looking at something on his cellphone screen.

He swallows. "Yeah. I just have to- go see somebody before we leave."

"You want me to stay here?" Sam turns the screen of his phone off and looks up at him. His forehead creases with worry.

Steve thinks about it. "No. This should only take me a little while. Then we'll hit the road." 

Sam sits in the lobby while Steve sits with Peggy.

"...Steve?" She's sitting up in bed, reading, when he comes in. It takes her a minute to recognize him. When she does, her book slips onto the blanket.

He sits down next to her. "Yeah, Peggy."

"What-?" She looks lost, but for now, it's not because of her own mind.

"I always meant to tell you. But you believed it, and that made other people believe it. I'm sorry, Peggy. So sorry."

"Steve... How did you manage this? Omegas were never allowed as agents, much less as field soldiers." She looks like she's about to cry. 

"... I was never a very fertile omega, if you can believe it. And, once I went overseas- Bucky and I, we- well. I never meant to lead you on, Peggy." 

She takes his hand and squeezes. "I don't blame you, Steve. It was hard for me- it must have been impossible-" She breaks off into coughs, and he brings her some water. 

He leaves before he makes her go through it twice. 

\---

Bucky’s file has a list of bases where they had cryofreeze units. They find one near Indianapolis, and head out. They only eat in diners near the edge of town, so that they can ask the waitresses if they’ve seen Bucky. Even with a picture and the promise of cash, they haven’t.

After a week, he starts asking for the owner. The owner of Jean’s, a place that’s across from what looks like it’s a drug den, is an omega woman. She’s all smiles, wrinkle lines standing out. “What can I do for you, sweetheart?” She reminds Steve of his Mama.

“I’m very sorry to bother you, ma’am, but have you seen this man?” Steve hands her the picture of Bucky. 

She glances at the photo Steve shows her and looks right back up at him. "Who was he?" Her voice is practically a whisper, and she keeps glancing at a booth over his shoulder. He wants to cry. If she's afraid, then she's seen him. The picture Steve showed her is of Bucky before the war (Sam had used something called Photoshop to fix it up), nothing out of the ordinary.

"I'm sorry ma'am, but James is my alpha, and I need to find him. He went missing a few months back, but the police wouldn't search for him, said he could take care of himself." It's not too far from the truth, and it's as in-depth as he's going to go with this woman.

She worries her lip, but tells him anyway. "He came in here, few days ago. Asked for a cup of coffee and how to get to Minnesota.” 

He has to blink back tears, because The Winter Soldier wouldn’t ask for directions. Bucky wants someone to find him. Steve hopes that Bucky's expecting him and not Hydra. 

"You be careful,” she continues. “He sure doesn't look like that now, and a pretty thing like you doesn't need any trouble from an alpha like him." 

"Thank you. But I’ve never known him to hurt anyone." It’s a lie, of course, but he wants to assuage this woman’s fear. Steve smiles, genuinely grateful. It might just be him, but she seems a little less nervous. Sam pulls out a twenty dollar bill and adds it to the tip. 

They leave right after that. He won't let Sam near the wheel all the way there.

Sam is giving him directions, when the other shoe drops. "Cap, if we can't find him-”

“Sam-” Steve can’t stop to think about ‘if’s. His Bucky is out there, and he’s gonna find him. 

Sam cuts him off before he can finish his sentence. “No. If we can't find him, what are you gonna do?” 

They’re sitting in the car, and Sam is staring right at him. Steve grips the wheel tight enough that his knuckles are white. He doesn’t turn his head, even when Sam puts a hand on his shoulder. “We’re going to find him, Sam.” He won’t give up. Bucky wouldn’t.


	6. Reflections Of Things To Come

Minnesota is cold this time of year. It occurs to Steve that it'll be winter pretty soon. His mind flashes to an empty apartment in DC, where he'd spent two empty Christmases. He never wants to go through another one.

"Steve." Sam is snapping his fingers in front of his face. "Since when does Captain America daydream?"

Steve shakes his head. "Sorry."

"Well, I figure you want to know where Barnes is going, and one of the agents in his file is currently crossing the street." Sam points to the offending alpha. Steve is pretty sure that she was with Rumlow's team at some point.

Sam parks their car in a meter spot, and Steve is already out of the car, down the alley after the agent. He thinks her name has been Jules. He doesn't particularly care.

Steve decides to take a page out of Barton's book. "Excuse me? Do you think you could tell me how to get downtown?" 

The minute she turns around, he has her pinned to the wall. 

"What the hell-" She sputters when Steve presses harder.

"You were in a Hydra Unit, instructed to support the Winter Soldier." He presses her arm into the wall when she tries to hit him.

"No idea- what you're talking about." She sneers at him.

Steve punches her in the face. "Oh no? Tell me. Where. He is."

Sam's voice come from just behind him. "I wouldn't push him too far."

She spits at his feet. "Why? What's a crazy whore gonna do to me?"

Steve throws her into the wall. He's pretty sure he just broke her rib. 

"Tell me. Now." He angles the heel of his shoe at her crotch. Captain America would never do that. Steve Rogers is not above it.

“His- His last handler was supposed to find him. They found his body in a ditch, two days ago. The Winter Soldier was long gone.” She tries to back herself against the wall. 

Steve pulls away from her as fast as he can and is back in the car in record time. He can hear Sam jogging to try and keep up with him.

“Steve-!” He’s almost panting, and Steve feels kind of bad. Not as bad as he feels, say for example, that he just went crazy for a few minutes. “Steve, I get this is hard on you, but the rest of us aren’t inhuman running machines.” Sam is breathing hard as he slides into the seat.

“Sorry. I just- He’s out there, somewhere. I can’t seem to make myself slow down.” He stares out the window.

Sam either doesn’t know what to say or doesn’t want to upset Steve, because he drives them back to hotel in silence.

\---

This hotel is better than the one they had in New York but not by much. The floors have slightly newer carpet, and there’s a table in the corner almost against the heating unit. 

Sam goes out to get them some food, and Steve takes a shower. He leans his head against the tile wall and tries not to think of the nights that Bucky would spend at some omega’s apartment. When he was too sick to go out, Steve would sit in their bathtub (which sometimes had hot water) all night, head against the tile, thinking desperately of anything other than Bucky. 

The next day, Bucky would come home, with lipstick on his collar, all smirks until he found Steve, looking like he was half dead, in their bathtub. Steve could count on one hand the number of times he had felt guiltier than he did in those moments.

Steve gets out of the shower when he can’t fight the memories any longer. He sits at the little table, and pulls out his sketchbook. If he’s going to be nostalgic, he might as well be productively nostalgic. 

Steve’s sketchbook is full of people, some from the forties, some from the twenty-first century, some from pictures he’s seen on the internet that he just wanted to draw.  
The first page is a picture of his Mama, standing by the stove, from a half-memory when he was little. Following that, there’s a picture of Bucky, when they were seven years old, offering Steve his hand. Teddy, John, and Tom, the beta guys in his barber shop quartet, singing with their arms around each others’ shoulders. Peggy, saluting while Hodge was clutching his bloody nose, on the ground. Dum Dum and Morita, halfway through a drinking contest that was to settle an argument neither of them remembered. Bucky, shirtless and grinning, holding Steve’s dog tags up. Peggy, in her bed at the retirement home, laughing at something he had said. A picture he had seen of Martin Luther King Junior. Fury, standing over his own headstone. 

Steve gets halfway through a drawing of Bucky, sitting in a tree, smoking a cigarette, when Sam comes back with bags full of Italian food.

“Did you draw these?” Sam catches the edge of the notebook, before Steve can close it.

“Er, yeah. It’s mostly people I- I used to know.” Steve tries to close it again, but Sam’s already seen the drawing of Peggy.

Sam wolf-whistles at her picture, and Steve feels a little protective. “Who’s she?”

“That’s Peggy. She’s the one I went to see at the retirement home.” If Steve’s voice has an edge to it, it’s Sam’s own fault.

Sam lets him put his drawings away, after that. They eat dinner in silence.

\----

Before he goes to bed that night, Steve looks through Bucky’s file again. It’s the fifth time he’s tried to read it. He still hasn’t made it halfway in.


	7. Faces Echoed In The Snow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It’s about five in the morning, so there aren’t very many people outdoors. The hotel they stayed at is in a run down part of town, full of factories with broken windows, and rusted smoke stacks. It reminds him of England, of dancing in the back room of an empty pub, to a song that wasn’t playing. Steve’s walking down the street, coat pulled tight around him, heels clacking against the sidewalk, thinking about Bucky, when a hand reaches out, and pulls him into a dark alley. The hand claps itself over his mouth, and presses him, hard, into the brick wall behind him.
> 
> 'Give me the bag, and I won't have to put a hole through your pretty little head.' A muffled voice, attached to the beta holding a gun to his head, tells him.
> 
> Before Steve can do anything, the body behind his is on the ground, clutching his shoulder. Steve turns just in time to see the back of a dark head of hair and the butt of a rifle."

When he wakes up the next morning in his hotel room, Steve is still tired. All his dreams were of the ice, whirling around him and Bucky, freezing them, just far enough from each other to keep them from touching. Bucky’s terrified eyes stare back at him, and he still feels cold when he wakes up.

He gets out of bed, and washes his face with the hottest water he can get out of the tap, trying to get himself warm.

Since Sam still hasn't woken up, Steve slips a coat on and grabs his purse. On the way to the bakery he saw yesterday, someone tries to steal it.

It’s about five in the morning, so there aren’t very many people outdoors. The hotel they stayed at is in a run down part of town, full of factories with broken windows, and rusted smoke stacks. It reminds him of England, of dancing in the back room of an empty pub, to a song that wasn’t playing. Steve’s walking down the street, coat pulled tight around him, heels clacking against the sidewalk, thinking about Bucky, when a hand reaches out, and pulls him into a dark alley. The hand claps itself over his mouth, and presses him, hard, into the brick wall behind him.

  
"Give me the bag, and I won't have to put a hole through your pretty little head." A muffled voice, attached to the beta holding a gun to his head, tells him.

Before Steve can do anything, the body behind his is on the ground, clutching his shoulder. Steve turns just in time to see the back of a dark head of hair and the butt of a rifle.

Steve takes off after him, but his shoes weren't designed for jumping from rooftop to rooftop. He tries to keep up, but he trips on a hole in the roof of a run down building.

When Steve goes back to their hotel room, he's holding two bags of donuts, and his mascara is running down his cheeks. 

\---

After they eat breakfast, Steve's ready to do just about anything to catch up to Bucky. Including letting another mugger get shot.

"Cap, this is not a good idea. Do you have any idea what happens to omegas in back alleys? What if it was a fluke, and he isn't watching you?" Sam’s as close to screaming as he’s ever been, which is enough to make Steve pause, but not enough to make him stop. Maybe it isn't the best plan, but it's the only one Steve's got.

Steve makes sure to wear shoes he can run in, and pants. Then he walks through every back alley he can find, until a drug addict with rancid breath pushes him into the wall. The bullet is quick and accurate, and Steve doesn’t even look at his attacker, too busy climbing up a fire escape.

Bucky is a lot faster than he used to be. Steve follows him across half of the damn city, before he manages to tackle him. They roll around the roof, Bucky trying to shake him off, and Steve clinging on to him for dear life. Steve’s hands are starting to go numb, and there are sure to be bruises across his ribcage, where Bucky’s metal hand had tried to push him off.

“Bucky-!” Steve’s voice is loud in his own ears, he can’t imagine it in Bucky’s. “Bucky, stop!” Steve manages to pin him down, straddling his lap, hands on Bucky’s wrists.

Bucky, to Steve’s amazement, stops. “Why?” Bucky’s voice is rough, and his breath puffs out in front of him.

Steve isn’t sure how to answer that. He’s not sure what Bucky’s even asking. Instead of answering, Steve pulls Bucky’s dogtags out from under his shirt. “James Buchanan Barnes. Born 1917. They’re yours.”

Bucky stares at him. He asks him again. “Why?”

This time, Steve knows what he means. “You couldn’t find me a ring.”

Bucky’s got him pinned to the roof before he can think about it happening. “Why do I want to protect you?” He looks at Steve with wild, terrified eyes.

Steve's mouth goes dry, from some bizarre combination of longing and pain. "For the same reason I want to protect you, Buck."

Bucky buries his head in his neck and sobs. Steve holds him there, terrified that he'll disappear like smoke between his fingers.

They stay there for at least half an hour, wrapped around each other, lying on a rooftop.

When Bucky finally lets go of him, he just stares blankly. Steve links their arms together, and tries to shield him from other people, as they walk down the street. It's late enough that it's gotten dark out, which helps.

Steve almost manages to get Bucky back to their hotel room, until some drunken alpha catcalls at Steve. "Hey, baby, why don'tcha  come over here and ditch the freak?" He's got beer bottle in his hand, and his words are slurring, but Steve is still angry.

Bucky seems to snap out of whatever trance he was in long enough to clock the other alpha on the jaw. With his metal hand. He goes down like a pile of bricks, and Steve has to check his pulse. It's still there, so he pulls Bucky away, back to their hotel room.

“Sam?” Steve closes the door behind him, and keeps one hand on Bucky’s elbow.

“I guess it wasn’t that crazy of a plan, then?” Sam stays just far enough away, so as not to freak Bucky out. Steve’ll have to thank him for that, later.

 **  
** Doesn’t really end up mattering all that much, though, because in under a minute, Bucky yanks both of them to the floor, and pins Steve to the floor, just in time to miss the hail of bullets that tear through their room. 


	8. Interlude: The Soldier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The Asset was once a person. This is a fact that he had always known, had always taken as previous knowledge. But, faced with an actual person, who knew him- who had said he loved him, once- the Asset is not sure what to do with this information. Not sure what to do at all."

The Asset does not know what to do. He does not have a handler. Pierce is dead. The vault is empty, and there are teams searching for the Asset's body by the water. The Asset will not give himself to the police.

He will not complete the mission. He cannot remember (there are no memories anyway) not completing a mission. The Asset was not told a protocol for not completing a mission. The Asset knows the protocol for not _wanting_ to complete the mission. He does not return to the handlers. There is no recalibration. _There is no handler_.

The Asset cannot remember what to do without one. But he remembers a handler taking him to a hotel room.

The Asset also remembers killing the handler when she tried to get him to breed with the omega on the bed. (Not right, not him, not _Steve_ ) He thinks he brought the omega home, but- Recalibration required when searching for memories. The Asset should not remember, should only take orders.

The Asset finds a hotel, ignores the memory. The clerk asks what type of bed he would like. The Asset stares her down until she gives him a key, and tosses an envelope full of money on the desk.

"If anyone comes to the desk, you did not see me." He leaves before she can open her mouth.

He checks the room for bugs, then checks for concealed places or weapons. After securing the room, he washes quickly, with precision, cheap soap covering his body and circling down into the drain.

He dries himself but leaves his hair wet. The Asset cannot remember doing so, but his body seems to expect him to flop- to lie on the bed. He does, and he stays there until the water has fully transferred from his hair to the blankets. Then he gets up from the bed to put on clothes. There is a voice in the hallway that The Asset recognizes. Hydra has infiltrated. Re-organize. Building compromised.

The Asset dresses with a familiarity he does not remember gaining and packs weapons into concealed places under his armor, which he cannot remember memorizing. He pulls civilian clothes over his armor and ties his hair up as well as he can.

At nine, the Asset climbs out the window and down the fire escape. He hears shouts from the window he left open and ignores the programming that whispers to turn around and go back to them (also ignores shooting them).

After that incident, The Asset sleeps in alleys, weapons all around him.

After a week, The Asset steals civilian clothing and a nondescript bag, big enough for rifles. He leaves New York City, takes a public bus. Puts the bag in the next seat to him, to deter the dame- the omega who was going to sit there.

The bus stops in Washington, District of Columbia. He wanders from the bus station, although it would be more productive to stay there.

He wanders, until he finds a museum. A sign proclaims it to be the Smithsonian Museum, but what drew the Asset's attention is the larger sign, of _the target_.

The Asset does not remember curiosity, but finds himself drawn into the museum by something he somehow knows to call curiosity.

The exhibit is on Captain Steven Grant Rogers. The Asset has the bizarre thought that the target would hate this. He has no idea where the idea came from, but he knows he's right.

It's not until the Asset reaches the second wall until he realizes that the exhibit is wrong. The exhibit calls the target an alpha. The target (Stevie, his Stevie) is an omega. The Asset knows this, not in the strange way he knows other things, but because he can remember the target entering his heat, and the Asset helping- copulating with him. But the target had called him Bucky.

The Asset finds that name, and his face, on one of the walls. Sergeant James "Bucky" Buchanan Barnes. Who the exhibit called the best friend of Captain America, but who the target himself called his alpha.

The Asset takes the next bus, and is bizarrely confused all the way to Indianapolis. He finds a drug den, and settles in against the darkest corner of the room. He stays there, and thinks.

The Asset was once a person. This is a fact that he had always known, had always taken as previous knowledge. But, faced with an actual person, who knew him- _who had said he loved him, once_ \- the Asset is not sure what to do with this information. Not sure what to do at all.

The Asset's mind works on this problem for days, it seems, surrounded by minds that are not working at all. He could possibly, probably, keep thinking about it, but after one of the drug addicts attacks him, the Asset returns to sleeping in alleys.

The alley the Asset chooses, however, is not secluded enough. A Hydra agent, calling himself the Asset's new handler, finds him there. The Asset's mind tells him he does not need a new handler. Never needed one. He empties an entire clip into the alpha's body..

After that incident, the Asset pulls money from an omega's purse, and buys a coffee from a local diner. The wait staff gives his table a wide berth, and eventually, the owner comes to speak with him.

"Sir, I'm sorry," the woman, an omega, is afraid of him. "But this is a family restaurant, and well, you're making my waitresses uncomfortable."

The Asset places the money on the table, and unfolds himself from the booth without a word. He is much taller than the woman, and she shrinks in front of him. "Is there a bus station nearby?"

She nods, jerkily. "Where were you- you thinking of heading?"

The Asset did not have a location in mind, but he can't stay there. A sign over her shoulder mentions Minnesota. He wonders if telling her will lead the agents to him (or someone else, someone better). "Minnesota." He tells her all the same.

 


	9. Running Away With Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> " Instead of answering, Bucky shakes his head, then looks up at Steve with wild eyes. They weren't like that while they were fighting, and Steve isn't sure what to make of that, other than that he wants to tear down Hydra all over again. Although, he seems to have missed a few.
> 
> Steve's eyesight is strong enough that he can see to grab Bucky's hand in the dark.  
> 'It's okay, Buck. We'll find it and get rid of it.' "

Steve's first thought after Bucky pulls him the floor is how he had missed being this close to Bucky. It's not the same, but at the same time, it is. Bucky's body is so different, but Steve still feels the same, the contours of Bucky's body against the back of his. His second thought is how bad a person he has to be, if all he can think about is Bucky's body against his, when the only reason they're in that position is because someone (probably Hydra, which makes his blood boil) is shooting at their hotel room. Steve really shouldn't be a national icon, when he's really a terrible person.

But he doesn't really have time to think about how bad a person he is because the second the bullets stop coming, Bucky's manhandling Steve out the door, and he has to focus on not falling down the stairs.

They're old and rickety, and probably about thirty years younger than he is, but Steve takes them about five at a time, cursing when one of them creaks under his foot, while Bucky, carrying Sam, jumps over the guardrail. Sam must have hit his head on something, because he's unconscious, although there isn't any blood. 

When they get outside, Bucky looks like he wants to pick Steve up too. Maybe he could (Hell, he could probably carry Steve over his shoulder like a damn viking), but Bucky isn't taking any more risks for him (What could Steve lead him into now, now that Hydra's ripped him apart, and put him back together wrong), so Steve climbs the fence cutting through the alley. Barely misses a rusty link of metal at the top, but he'll take anything to keep from hurting Bucky again.

He can hear the damn Hydra agents behind them, but they only need to get to the rental car. When Bucky tosses Steve the keys, though, it takes everything he has not to stop, because Bucky knowing what Steve needs, before he even says it, has to mean that he's remembering, that he's coming back from what they did to him.

The car starts and a bullet goes straight through the passenger's seat. Normally Steve doesn't believe in breaking speeding laws, but he pushes his foot to gas pedal so hard he's a little worried his heel might go through the floor.

Steve manages to get them through three lights without hitting anything when Hydra has apparently had enough and one of their fake SWAT vehicles slams into the front of their car and sends it skidding through oncoming traffic. Another car is coming straight at them, but Steve's hands only get halfway to the seat belt he just had to use, when a blurr of metal rips it out, and Steve is pulled into Bucky's arms. He hauls Steve into the seat just in time.

The front of the car is flat, and the doors have caved in, but Bucky's metal arm rips one off like paper. Steve grits his jaw and gets Sam out, even though Bucky's got a gash running down the side of his face, and all Steve wants to do is make sure Bucky's okay, because he can't let anything happen to Bucky, his Bucky.

But Bucky's got a handgun on the inside of his jacket, (and god, what did they do to his damn Bucky, that he keeps loaded guns where he used to keep rubbers?) and takes down three agents while Steve gets both himself and Sam out of the way, and then hoists Steve up to an apartment house window. 

They tear through the apartment building, Hydra agents behind them and terrified civilians in front of them. A little beta girl screams when she sees them, and Steve can see Bucky's eyes go dark and haunted.

Sam finally comes to when they're halfway down a staircase, and Steve realizes that he and Bucky have been moving without talking, and that Bucky can still understand everything Steve's eyes are saying. Steve's heart aches. They check doors until they find an unlocked one, and duck into the empty apartment. They sit with their backs to the wall, and whisper to each other in the dark while the Hydra team searches for them.

"Where the hell did these guys come from?" Sam sounds the way Steve feels, which is comforting.

"'The Asset requires constant maintenance. A tracking device must remain within the Weapon at all times.'" Bucky's voice is scratchy from disuse, and his right hand taps his left.

Steve forgets how to talk for a second, over his poker hot rage. "Buck, do you know where they put it?" He tries to keep his voice steady, for Bucky's sake. He's not sure it works.

Instead of answering, Bucky shakes his head, then looks up at Steve with wild eyes. They weren't like that while they were fighting, and Steve isn't sure what to make of that, other than that he wants to tear down Hydra all over again. Although, he seems to have missed a few.

Steve's eyesight is strong enough that he can see to grab Bucky's hand in the dark. "It's okay, Buck. We'll find it and get rid of it."

"Cap, how are we gonna get out of here if he's got a tracker?" Sam gestures back at the door facing the hallway, and Steve can see Bucky's face crease with what looks like worry.

Bucky's hand clamps onto Steve's arm in the dark, and the rage comes back, because Steve would rather die than let Bucky anywhere near Hydra.

"We'll figure it out." Steve's fingers thread through the fingers of Bucky's flesh and blood hand, fingers tight around his, like when they were kids. 

Steve pulls Bucky to his feet and pulls his shoes off, then crosses to the window. If he hasn't already known the apartment was abandoned, from the dusty sheets on the furniture, the only window is boarded up. Steve rips the boards off, and climbs down the fire escape, Bucky and Sam behind him.

They're almost down when they pass a window and a Hydra bullet goes through Steve's shoulder. He's thinking he hasn't even got another dress, rather than that there's a bloody hole through his collarbone.


	10. Escape Route From Trauma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Bucky was still here, and the metal fire escape was about as comfortable as the metal cot he had been sleeping on then. Except Bucky was all grown up, eighty years later, with a metal arm that was currently picking off agents in the windows, while shielding Steve with his body.
> 
> Steve's all grown up, too. Steve joined the military. He's a supersoldier. He's got a bloody hole going in one side of his shoulder and out the other. Steve really does wish he was one of those dames who fainted. "

When he was twelve, Steve had gotten his collarbone broken. The nuns said "Betas will be Betas," like Steve was going through some bizarre rebellious stage. He had hated it, hated being stuck in the sick ward, until Bucky had climbed up to his window.

"Feel up to talkin'?" Bucky had grinned at him and pushed himself over the window ledge with the kind of upper body strength Steve thought he'd never have.

After that, Bucky had spent every night up in the sick ward with him because the nuns wouldn't let him back down to the beta ward until they were sure any light bumps wouldn't re-break the bone. Bucky'd told him all about what the other kids were learnin' that day and read comics he'd knicked from the alpha girl who'd pushed him off a stone wall.

For some reason, getting shot reminded him of that. Bucky was still here, and the metal fire escape was about as comfortable as the metal cot he had been sleeping on then. Except Bucky was all grown up, eighty years later, with a metal arm that was currently picking off agents in the windows, while shielding Steve with his body.

Steve's all grown up, too. Steve joined the military. He's a supersoldier. He's got a bloody hole going in one side of his shoulder and out the other. Steve really does wish he was one of those dames who fainted. Because he's lying under Bucky, and his shoulder feels like it's on fire, and he's laughing. 

Once Bucky has a chance, he pulls Steve to his feet, and Steve feels like a ragdoll, the way Bucky half carries him down the stairs, down to where Sam is crouched. Sam takes Steve's other side, while Bucky covers all of them. Steve wants to ask him to stop putting himself into the line of fire, but he's too busy laughing. He's been shot before, but he's never laughed. Maybe Captain America is going crazy. Steve laughs harder.

As Bucky and Sam switch places, it occurs to Steve that Sam had been keeping pressure on his shoulder. Bucky's hand is covered in blood and fibers. Both of Sam's hands press to his shoulder, and Steve wonders if he is able to go into shock.

Bucky's got a car off the street, open and running, before the Hydra agents can follow. Sam maneuvers Steve into the back seat, and Steve feels sorry for the person whose car this is. Whenever they find it, it's going to have bloodstains all over the leather.

Steve's head lolls a little. There really oughta be something other than Sam's hands keeping his shoulder together. The car speeds up, and Bucky's shoulders are tense. Steve thinks about reaching out to him, but his arm is shaking.

"Barnes, he's bleeding out. We've got to get him to a hospital." Sam's voice sounds almost far away from where Steve is lying.

"No!" Bucky's voice is still scratchy, and Steve wonders what's going on in his head. 

"Buck, penny for your thoughts?" After he says it, Steve isn't sure why he did. His voice is too quiet, ringing in his ears.

Maybe Steve is becoming one of those dames who faints. Or maybe he's dying. 

\----

Steve wakes up in a hospital bed. Bucky's standing next to him, metal arm covered with a jacket and a glove. Steve can see his left hand, clenching and unclenching, at his side. Sam's asleep, but there's a doctor who looks like she's ready to call the cops.

"Mr. Grant, we can't help your wife unless you tell us-" The doctor trails off when it becomes obvious that Bucky has stopped paying attention.

Bucky had enough practice lying when they were kids and when they were overseas, much less when he was the winter soldier, to be able to convince the doctor of just about anything. He doesn't need to do a lot of convincing though, for Steve to let him lean over him and whisper in his ear.

"Stephen, can you speak English?" Bucky's asking, in French.

Steve doesn’t quite feel right lying to a doctor, but he feels a lot less right about letting Bucky get hurt. “No.”

Bucky turns back to the doctor and raises one eyebrow. “I told you, he doesn’t speak English. Keeping him here isn’t going to help anything.”

"Sir, I have no idea who you think you'll be helping if we don't keep him here." The doctor glares at Bucky, then takes a step back when Bucky glares back. "I'll see what I can do."

But Bucky, apparently, isn't taking any chances about the doctor coming back, because he only speaks French. Not that he says anything, other than "Sorry."

Steve's shoulder is mostly healed, but that doesn't mean that he wants to talk about all the things that Bucky doesn't have to be sorry for, in the middle of a hospital. In French.

So Steve closes his eyes while Bucky stares out a window.

When the doctor comes back, Bucky signs him out, and they give Steve a wheelchair. Bucky brings him down to the basement, and Sam pulls a car up. It's pretty smooth, and Steve hopes- needs, for Hydra to have not figured out what they're doing because he needs to know what Bucky's thinking.

"Cap, where are we going?" Sam's driving, so he asks.

Steve feels a little lost, but he knows where he needs to get Bucky. "New York. We're gonna go see Stark."

Bucky finally looks up at him. "Howard Stark?"

"No, Tony Stark. He's- he's Howard's son. He's- well." Steve isn't really sure how much Bucky remembers about people from the war.

Bucky doesn't say anything after that, so Steve leans his head against the back of the seat.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "'Supplies are vital to the mission. The Soldier has been primed to remember specific locations, stocked with supplies.' Bucky's voice has slipped out of the tone Steve had coaxed out of him. He sounds like a machine.
> 
>  
> 
> "Buck, you're not- you're not their Soldier." Steve says.
> 
>  
> 
> Sam takes a step towards Bucky, his hands stretched out in front of him, placating. 'Barnes,' Sam starts in his 'group therapy voice,' 'why don't you write it down? Wouldn't that work?'
> 
>  
> 
> Bucky's eyes (which aren't meeting Sam's), are blank. Winter Soldier blank."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS:  
> PTSD, Gender shaming, and a vague mention of thoughts of suicide. Chapter summary is included in the notes at the end.

When Steve wakes up, he's leaning against Bucky's shoulder. Bucky's left shoulder. Steve doesn't care, but Bucky is stiff as a board.

"Buck, are you-" Steve starts to ask if he's alright, when Bucky cuts him off.

"I saw the exhibit." Bucky's mouth is set in a straight line, and he's staring straight ahead, but doesn't seem to see anything. "I'm not him."

"Yes, you are-" Steve tries again.

" _No, I'm not!_ " Bucky's voice is panicky. "The soldier doesn't need a wife. The soldier is a weapon. The soldier only needs a handler. The handler is everything, everything, everything-" Bucky's been stable so far, but now he's falling apart.

"No, Bucky, you get to choose who's important. You're a person, Bucky, not their weapon." Steve ripped apart Hydra twice. He'd do it again, every day of his life, if he could've saved Bucky from this.

Steve gently wraps his arms around Bucky, and holds on to him. "You're not their soldier anymore, Buck."

Whether Bucky agrees with him or not, Steve doesn't know, but he doesn't talk about it, or anything else, while they drive.

Sam puts on the radio and changes it more often than Steve thought there were channels.

\---

When they stop for the night, Steve's not really sure where they are, except for a motel sign that declares it the Jackson City Inn.

They stop at a store a few doors down, and Sam goes in to buy Steve a dress with money Bucky gets from Steve-doesn't-want-to-know where.

The dress is barely better than a slip, but it's better than the one Steve is wearing now, which has a bloody hole through both sides.

When they go back to the motel they passed, though, it doesn't seem to matter. The clerk is a young beta girl, and she grins at Bucky. "Third wheel, sweetie?"

Bucky looks angry, and Steve is torn between crying and smiling. The look passes, and Bucky leans on the counter. "Sorry, no. Can we rent a room?"

She looks affronted, and Sam moves up to the counter. "Sorry, these two aren't so great at English. French people, right?"

She smiles again, and slides him a registry card, and Steve gently pulls Bucky towards the chairs on the side of the room.

\---

The room is the nicest one they've stayed in the whole trip, though that isn't saying much. They haven't got a whole lot, other than a cheap cellphone from a convenience store, and a pack of jerky.

Steve's clothes, purse, drawings, are all back in that hotel room, but they're also probably full of bullet holes. His heart gives a little pang over the drawings, but more importantly, over the distinct lack of money between them.

Bucky still has five dollars, but five dollars is worth a whole lot less now than it was back then.

"Cap, not to be a downer, but how are we gonna get to New York faster than Hydra, with less than a quarter of a tank, and five bucks?" Sam says, after he comes back from his shower.

Steve's mind is a little blank on that one, but before he can say anything, Bucky does. "Bolt holes." Bucky's voice has snapped back to Hydra precision, but he's looking at Steve.

"Buck, do you know where one would be?" Steve says, careful to sound soft and non-threatening.

Bucky moves so quick that Steve almost lands on the floor , and moves towards the door.

"Bucky, we don't-" Steve starts to say.

"Supplies are vital to the mission. The Soldier has been primed to remember specific locations, stocked with supplies." Bucky's voice has slipped out of the tone Steve had coaxed out of him. He sounds like a machine.

"Buck, you're not- you're _not_ their Soldier." Steve says.

Sam takes a step towards Bucky, his hands stretched out in front of him, placating. "Barnes," Sam starts in his 'group therapy voice,' "why don't you write it down? Wouldn't that work?"

Bucky's eyes (which aren't meeting Sam's), are blank. Winter Soldier blank. Steve resists the urge to hold him, and slowly pushes the complimentary pad of paper on the table towards Bucky.

Sam inches close enough to Bucky to place his hand on his shoulder (his right shoulder, Steve notices), and coax him towards the table.

Steve takes the pen into his hand, and when they get there, slides it into Bucky's open palm. His hand curls around it, and when he moves the pen in a thrusting motion, it occurs to Steve that he expects to have to use it as a weapon.

Steve pushes the pad of paper towards him again. "Bucky, why don't you just write it down?"

Bucky's fingers reshape their hold over the pen, and he mechanically shapes out every letter, to perfect military grade letters.

\----

Sam goes. Steve stays there with Bucky, hands fidgeting around the table, as he debates touching Bucky's hand, or just letting him sit.

When Steve reaches out for Bucky's hand, he doesn't move. When Steve strokes his thumb over the back of Bucky's hand, he doesn't move. He's a statue, and the guilt that has been bubbling up inside of Steve for seventy (three?) years sets to a simmer.

"Buck, you- you can relax. No one's going to touch you." Steve says.

Bucky remains in that position, staring at a spot next to Steve's eye.

Bucky doesn't move, and Steve sits there, feeling helpless. This is wrong. An omega is supposed to be _good_ at this, not fumbling around like a lost duckling. Steve is ruining all that's left of Bucky, and it's all _his fault_. Bucky should've married someone else. That's the thought that sticks in his head, followed by, they're _not_ _really_ married. Steve has ruined Bucky's whole life, and it's all falling apart, and it's wrong, so, so wrong.

\---

Sam comes back to the two of them, Bucky looking like an empty shell, and Steve looking like one of the broken dames who went into mental institutions.

Sam sets everything he got from the bolthole on the table, then coaxes Bucky into the shower.

Steve's fingers (the ones not attached to his healing arm) are shaky as he reaches for a pencil.

He tries to pour everything he’s feeling into his drawing. He’s not even sure who he’s drawing, until it starts to look like Steve. So he draws himself, in the clothes the orphanage gave them. Next to him, with his arm around Steve’s shoulder, is Bucky.

They had a picture of this in their apartment, the two of them on the cusp of puberty, Bucky just a little over the cusp. Bucky’s shoulders had been getting wider, and a month later, Steve’s breasts, which hadn’t even been noticeable, unless he was naked, until he got the serum.

Steve sometimes wishes that he had died in ice. It’s selfish and wrong, but he still thinks it, sometimes.

\------

When the water stops in the bathroom, it’s almost ten. Steve feels a bit like a coward, but before they come out, he slides into one of the beds, and curls into a ball.

When Steve dreams that night, he knows he’s dreaming, but he wants it to be real. He’s back in France, in an abandoned house. All the men had gone down to the local bar, but Bucky had taken watch, so Steve staid with him. There had been a radio that picked up on one of the military stations, who’d bothered to play hits from back stateside.

Bucky had grinned at him, and taken his hand.

“Bucky, I still don’t know how to dance.” Steve had said.

“Just trust me, Stevie.” Bucky had said back.

So they had danced a little closer than normal, and Bucky had still been tall enough that Steve could lay his head on Bucky’s shoulder. Bucky had been crooning in his ear along with Frank Sinatra. “ _A heart that's true, there are such things,_

_A dream for two, there are such things,_

_Someone to whisper ‘Darling you're my guiding star,’_

_Not caring what you own but just what you are,_

_A peaceful sky, there are such things,_

_A rainbow high where heaven sings,_

_So have a little faith and trust in what tomorrow brings,_

_You'll reach a star because there are such things,_

_So have a little faith and trust in what tomorrow brings,_

_You'll reach a star because there are such things._ ”

Steve feels warm, and safe, and _loved_ , and even though he’s in the next room, Steve _misses_ Bucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: In this chapter, Sam, Steve and Bucky go to a motel, where, after talking about their lack of supplies, Bucky reverts to his training as the winter soldier, and begins talking about himself in the third person. After Sam returns with those supplies, he helps Bucky shower, and Steve blames himself for Bucky's torture, and thinks if he were a "good omega" he would be able to help Bucky. He then thinks about how he might have been "better off" dying in the Valkyrie.


	12. Waking & The Asset, Pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "'Stark, d'you think you could escort me upstairs?' is the first thing Steve says.
> 
> 'Capsicle! Long time, no call. Why I am I escorting you inside?' Stark asks.
> 
> 'I'm not entirely sure the guys down here won't shoot me, seeing as how I'm not in uniform, I disappeared for two weeks, and I'm bringing a known assassin with me,' he says."
> 
> Or, here be the ouches.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Previous tw's apply for this chapter as well (i.e. PTSD, paranoia, and identity issues)

Steve wakes up to screaming. One minute, Bucky's voice is crooning into his ear, the next, Bucky's screaming is drowning out everything else.

"Bucky, it's okay, Bucky, calm down. Bucky!" Steve has to practically shout over Bucky's voice.

When Bucky does wake up, he starts hyperventilating. Sam starts saying things, and Bucky doesn't seem to be listening. Steve rubs Bucky's shoulders, but it doesn't seem to do anything, either.

In the strangest moment of Steve's life, the world narrows down to Bucky's pulse between his fingers, and Sam saying "In, out, in, out..."

It takes Bucky ten minutes of sitting there to calm down, and then he just stares off into space.

\---

After that morning, Steve gets Bucky back into the car, Sam checks out, and they get back on the road.

They don't stop in hotels, and Bucky never says anything. Steve is afraid that somehow, Bucky'll never snap out of this.

It takes them a day and a half of straight driving to get back to New York.

They get stuck in traffic for three hours on the way to Stark's Tower, with all the anti-Shield protesters. Steve wishes he could say he was never part of Shield. Because he's partially responsible for this. For people dying, for Bucky suffering, for Hydra.

The National Guard has set up a perimeter around the tower, so Sam has to park a block away. Steve uses the last of the battery on the cheap phone Sam had bought, calling Stark.

"Stark, d'you think you could escort me upstairs?" is the first thing Steve says.

"Capsicle! Long time, no call. Why I am I escorting you inside?" Stark asks.

"I'm not entirely sure the guys down here won't shoot me, seeing as how I'm not in uniform, I disappeared for two weeks, and I'm bringing a known assassin with me," he says.

"...I'll be there in five." Stark hangs up on him.

\----

After Stark threatens some national guards, they go into the communal kitchen on the fourth floor, where Stark corners Steve almost immediately. "Capsicle, not for nothing, but when you said you had a known assassin with you, I thought you meant Romanov. _Not the guy who killed my parents_ ," Stark hisses.

Steve pulls the file Natasha gave him out of his bag. "If you can't sympathize with him after you read this- He remembers your father, not as an assassination victim, but as someone he knew." And constantly was gettin' into fights with him, Steve thinks to himself. "They did a real job on him, Stark."

"I'll read it. He," Stark points at Bucky, "can stay until I do. Then he's leaving."

Once he's left, Sam claps him on the shoulder. "That's a pretty terrifying folder. If that can't get through to even Tony Stark, then he's more robot than I thought."

\----

The Asset is lost. He knows where he is, and how he got there, but he is lost. The target (Stevie) is here, but there is also an angry alpha, who glares at the target.

While they talk, the Asset imagines ways he could kill the alpha without moving. Would the target like that? (Decking him would probably be better.) The target, he has realized, is the new handler. An omega is important for the Asset, because this omega will be the Asset's handler.

But the target (Steve)- Handler, seems angry when the Asset resumes mission protocol. Seems panicky when the Asset cuts off unnecessary communication. _Sleeps on_ the Asset, as if he trusts him.

The Asset is lost, because the Handler (Steve), does not act accordingly to protocol (Acts accordingly to being Stevie).

The flying alpha, whose wings the Asset had destroyed (bad call on his part), is touching the Handler. The Asset does not approve of this, but he does not say anything (Wing Guy's friendly). The Asset thinks this is bad for safety (Steve can have friends).

The angry alpha, who the Handler (Steve!) calls "Stark," (acts like a Stark, that's for damn sure), comes back, with an omega in a lab coat. The Asset stiffens. Images of tables, lab coats, _pain, sharp blades digging into his shoulder, taking away parts of him, putting him in the chair, forgetting, not knowing, but Steve, Steve please, doll please, one last miracle Stevie, please._

There are hands on his shoulders, calming him, coaxing him from the corner. "No one's going to hurt you, Bucky." The Han- Steve says. Handlers don't care about causing pain. "We want to help, Buck."

"Sgt. Barnes," the other omega says, "My name is Dr. Banner. I know you probably haven't had much luck with doctors before," he has sad eyes, "but I'm here to help you."

The- _Steve_ coaxes the Asset off of the stool, and into another elevator. Steve's hand is a warm weight on the asset's shoulder.

The four of them (Wing Guy's alright, Dr. Banner is... Somewhat trustworthy, and Stark is an asshole) lead the Asset into a lab. The Asset's eyes shoot towards the table, clinical and metallic, and _pain and death and please, Jesus, God, Steve, Fuckin' Phillips, ANYONE get me the fuck out of here._

"It's okay, Buck," Steve is saying, and the asset shakes his head.

"Buck, I'll be right here. Just sit." Steve's hand is a warm weight on his shoulder, tethering Bucky to the real world.

The Asset shakes his head. He is _the Asset_. The man, the alpha, the jerk- _the alpha_ Steve wants is gone. He is the Asset.

The Asset is distracted for a moment, and Steve has pressed him, gently, to the table. There is no mouthpiece, no headpiece, and chiefly, _no pain_.

Instead, there's blackness, that Bucky slips into, with Steve's hand still on his shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings & Chap Summary:  
> In this chapter, Steve wakes up to Bucky having nightmares and screaming. After Sam helps him calm down, Bucky remains in the unresponsive state of the day before, and although it is not explicitly stated, Steve's POV is numb, and not nearly as passionate as before. When they reach Avengers' Tower, Tony mentions Bucky killing his parents, and the POV flips. In Bucky's POV, in which he fights the programming that tells him he is "the asset," he is convinced Steve is his new handler, and that Bruce and Tony are going to wipe him, triggering memories of previous wipes. The chapter ends with Bucky going under so that Tony and Steve can perform (pain free) scans on his brain.


	13. The Sniper Pt. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Ms. O’Callahan gets him the damn blanket, and he brings it back up to their apartment. It’s probably warmer outside than it is in the ice-box they live in, but hell if he’s gonna chance opening a window to find out.
> 
> Steve is fast asleep when Bucky comes back, so he drapes the blanket over him, and resolutely does not think about what a stand up guy Steve is when he slips into the bed and holds him. Bucky’s just keepin’ him warm.
> 
> He falls asleep with a guilty conscience and a warm Steve. "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just porn this chapter, really. There is a blink-and-you'll-miss-it reference to Bucky being raped by Zola in the middle.

There's a beta getting beaten up.

"Hey!" Bucky shouts.

For seven years old, he puts a world a hurt on those jerks, but the kid he just saved was trying to save somebody else. The beta sits there with a big chip on his shoulder, jaw out, so Bucky offers him a hand up.

“Y'know, you coulda just stayed out of it. That kid ain't gonna be grateful, or anythin'," he says.

"Somebody had to tell him he was wrong." The kid looks him up and down, then sticks his hand into Bucky’s.

Bucky pulls him to his feet, and he weighs about as much as a feather. “I’m Bucky.” He holds out his hand again, and waits for the kid to say somethin’ about his name, but he doesn’t.

The kid takes his hand and says “I’m Steve.”

Bucky bumps his shoulder against Steve’s, after they’ve let go of each other’s hands, and grins at him. “Guess somebody's gotta keep you from gettin' yourself killed, huh?"

“Jerk.” Steve tries punching him in the arm, and it feels a little bit like somebody throwin’ a marble at his arm.

“Punk.” he says back, as he ruffles Steve’s hair.

\----

“God, you fuckin’ idiot. Steve, you’re gonna kill yourself if you keep doin’ this.” Bucky grabs a towel, probably dirty, and wraps Steve in it, before he pulls him out of the bath tub.

“Sorry,” Steve mumbles into the side of Bucky’s throat. There’s a hickey about an inch down from where his lips are, and Bucky feels a sharp pang of guilt because while he was imagining the omega beneath him was his best friend, Steve had been trying to give himself pneumonia again.

Bucky tucks him into bed with a sigh. “You look like a drowned rat, ya’ punk.”

Steve’s laugh sounds like somebody with whooping cough. “Shut up, ya’ jerk.”

“Try not to get the plague while I go getcha another blanket,” he says.

After he’s gotten Steve all wrapped up in the only two blankets they own, Bucky goes downstairs to beg one off their neighbor, an old omega with a couple of cats.  
One of ‘em wraps itself around his legs when she opens the door, and he puts on his ‘nice boy from down the street’ smile. “Hey, Ms. O’Callahan, do you have a blanket I could borrow?”

She sighs and pats him on the cheek. “You’re too good to that boy, James Barnes. He ought to be ashamed of himself, keeping you from finding a good omega. And you tell him I said that!” She wags her finger upwards, to where their apartment is, and Bucky has to bite his tongue to keep from saying anything to her. 

He’s had a lot of people tell him that, and God, if he doesn’t feel like a heel every time. He’s off runnin’ around with an omega every night. Steve’s the one who’s too good. He puts up with Bucky followin’ around after him like a mother hen, when he oughta be able to get any dame he wanted.

Ms. O’Callahan gets him the damn blanket, and he brings it back up to their apartment. It’s probably warmer outside than it is in the ice-box they live in, but hell if he’s gonna chance opening a window to find out.

Steve is fast asleep when Bucky comes back, so he drapes the blanket over him, and resolutely does not think about what a stand up guy Steve is when he slips into the bed and holds him. Bucky’s just keepin’ him warm.

He falls asleep with a guilty conscience and a warm Steve. 

\---

When they ship him off to England, Steve stands on the peer with him, hand shoved in his pockets like a stubborn bastard, and Bucky doesn’t think about all the other people up there, all the kisses the other soldiers are gettin’. Maybe Steve’ll get lucky and Bucky’ll die in Europe so he can get married. He imagines Steve as a father. Him and some beta doll, with a bunch of blond kids with punk attitudes.

“Buck? Bucky!” Steve waves his hand in front of Bucky’s face, and he realizes he’d stopped listening.

“Sorry, Stevie. C'mon, I got a ship to catch.” He slings his arm over Steve’s shoulder.

He’s got to be imagining things when he leans over the ship’s railing and catches Steve crying. He’s got to be, because that stubborn jerk wouldn’t be crying over him. Would he?

\----

“Bucky…” His name is a sharp whine in Steve’s throat, and he can smell the slick from across the tent. 

“Fuck, Stevie.” Bucky has to cover his face with a handkerchief so he can fucking think. Anybody could walk in on them, and there’s no way to lock a fuckin’ tent. He yanks a rubber out of his pocket, and ties the strings of the tent together. The rest of the commandoes should be asleep, but how the fuck is he gonna keep this up for five days?

He looks back at Steve, and the handkerchief almost doesn’t make a difference, the way he’s splayed out on the bed, all curves and open mouth, and pretty blue eyes that are begging him to knock off being responsible and get inside Steve this second.

“Alright, doll.” Bucky pulls the handkerchief away, and the scent of omega in heat slams him in the face. He stares straight down at the rubber packaging as he rips it open and has to think, get it together and put the damn thing on, Barnes.

He has to keep repeating, get it together, as he folds his uniform (What fuckin’ uniform?), which is a form of torture (Do not think of Zola, Barnes), and as he pulls his boots off.

Bucky pulls the rubber on, then he’s on Steve like his life depends on it. He’s sucking hickeys onto his neck like it’s second nature.

“Bucky!” Steve’s heat voice sounds exactly the way Bucky thought it would, which he can only really appreciate for a second, because Steve flexes his hips against his, and Bucky’s self-control snaps like a bad cable wire. He’s inside of him so fast he almost doesn’t remember his hands moving.

His hands are on Steve’s hips, and he’s staring down at him with fuckin’ awe. Because this is what Bucky’s been jerking off to since he hit puberty, and it’s actually happening. Steve’s so tight it almost hurts, and Bucky’s kissing his own name off of Steve’s lips like it’s oxygen.

He’s thrusting into him, and he’s gonna have scratches all down his shoulders tomorrow, but God, is it worth it. “Stevie, Stevie, God, you’re so beautiful, Stevie. Never gonna let you out of my sight after this damn war. I’d give you the world if I could.” He’s panting into Steve’s ear, their dog tags clinking together as they move.

Steve stops moaning his name long enough to mumble, “Just you, Buck,” and Bucky goes off like a fuckin’ rocket.

\---

The Asset- BUCKY, fuck off programming, comes out of the memories like a man drowning coming up from water. 

His arms are around Steve before he can blink, and he’s got him as far from everyone else ASAP. 

“...Bucky?” Steve asks from behind him.

Programming hisses to protect the- STEVE, when Stark’s son reaches out towards them. “Yeah, Stevie.” God, his voice sounds like Hell. First, establish perimeters, figure out what the fuck caused those memories, eliminate Stark if he fucking touches his omega, and then get a cup of joe.


	14. Grabbing At Straw Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "'...Far be it for me to say Captain America shouldn't take care of a serial killer. Just remember that I'll be the one telling you 'I told you so' when you get admitted to the hospital,' Stark says, and leaves.
> 
> 'You're not as different from your father as you think, Tony,' Steve says in a low voice.
> 
> The sound of the door slamming reverberates on the metal walls, and Bucky's got him pressed into the corner even faster than before. "

Steve's heart is pumping too hard in his chest, and he wants to cry, laugh, and wrap his arms around Bucky and never let go.

But this- this is wrong. Bucky is holding him behind him, against the wall, and Bucky killing Stark and Dr. Banner, especially after Dr. Banner fixed him, fixed his Bucky, is not going to work.

Steve's hand is almost shaky, supersoldier nerves be damned, when it touches Bucky's shoulder. Where he wouldn't have let Steve touch him more than a few days ago, Bucky's shoulders almost melt, he relaxes so quickly. Bucky still doesn't move, but his right hand threads its fingers through Steve’s. 

"Bucky," Steve says again, voice something between shock and awe.

Dr. Banner takes a step closer to them, and Bucky reluctantly pulls Steve away from the wall, and moves closer.

"I'm not going to hurt you, Sargent," Dr. Banner says, with all the certainty of someone who knows he could.

"Tell you what, Doc. You tell me what the hell just happened on that table," Bucky says, "and get Howard Jr. to stop looking at Steve like that, and I'll play nice. Fair?"

"...Fair," Dr. Banner says, after a minute. "Tony," he says, in a tone that isn't all that different from the one Steve's had to use in battle, and sits down next to the table. "Sergeant, could you describe your memory sequence?"

Steve reminds himself never to make Dr. Banner angry or keep him from studying something.

Bucky suddenly looks less sure of himself and opens his mouth a few times, without actually saying anything. "It was... Random. All about Steve. When we met, when I left, the first time I saw him in heat..." Bucky looks up at that and glares at Stark at the exact moment he opens his mouth.

"Capsicle, would you keep your bionic boyfriend from melting my face? I like to look, but I promise I don't touch or bite," Stark says.

From where Steve is standing, behind Bucky, he scowls at him. "Not. Appropriate."

\----

Bruce runs Bucky through some memory tests, while Stark pulls Steve aside. "Cap, has it occurred to you that this is fucking dangerous? Memories or no memories, your boyfriend is like a cheetah someone tied to a lamb. Sure, it feels protective over it, and it doesn’t naturally eat them, but if it gets hungry enough..." Stark lets his analogy trail off, but Steve's already angry. It seems he's always angry, lately.

"Stark, if you don't want anything to do with helping Bucky recuperate, that's your choice. But don't you dare try to make this about keeping me safe. Dame or not, I can take care of myself, and I have been. But only because Bucky was there to keep me alive. He kept me alive, even when it almost killed him. What kind of sweetheart, what kind of friend, what kind of person would I be if I didn't pay him back?" Steve's got his chin jutting out, and he only hopes he's doing Peggy proud with the pose he's in right now.

"...Far be it for me to say Captain America shouldn't take care of a serial killer. Just remember that I'll be the one telling you 'I told you so' when you get admitted to the hospital," Stark says, and leaves.

"You're not as different from your father as you think, Tony," Steve says in a low voice.

The sound of the door slamming reverberates on the metal walls, and Bucky's got him pressed into the corner even faster than before. 

"Buck, c'mon." Steve coaxes. "I survived a war just fine." When that doesn't work, he says, "You can keep me safe just as well over by Dr. Banner."

When Dr. Banner talks about being able to repair more memories, through the same treatment, Steve knows it's all worth it.

\------

Dr. Banner talks to Stark. There's apparently a floor for Steve already designed for a nonagenarian super soldier. There's even a special elevator for that floor. Although Steve doesn't get to see much of it, tucked into the crease of Bucky's arm.

"Buck, I know you're worried about me, but nothing's gonna happen to me-" Steve starts.

"Nothing, like putting a plane into the damn Arctic? Nothing, like letting The Soldier shoot you? I've gotta protect you from yourself, Steve." Bucky's got parts of his old accent back. Half Brooklyn, part Russian, part totally unidentifiable. Same worried Bucky.

The doors ding open, and it's a good thing Bucky's holding him close, or Sam might not be standing there anymore.

Bucky's got a knife in his hand, but Sam's not a counselor for nothing. He's got his hands up, takes a step back, uses his calm voice. "Hey, hey. It's okay man; I'm not gonna do anything."

Steve puts his hand on Bucky's arm, the one holding the knife, and he slowly lowers it, but keeps the knife unsheathed. "Bucky, Sam. Dr. Banner's a miracle worker when it comes to cell restoration."

Bucky's eyebrows furrow, and he hesitates for a minute, before he sheathes the knife, and holds out his hand. He gives Sam one of those big, kilowatt grins, the kind that used to melt the meanest nun's heart. "Sorry, pal. Still a little fuzzy on faces. Probably not the best way to introduce myself."

"Totally fine, man. Sam." They shake hands, and Bucky seems more normal.

\----

But when Bucky pulls Steve aside later, the first thing he says is, "Stevie, I can't remember anything from yesterday,” and Steve’s blood runs cold. “Or the day before. For… weeks. Maybe a month.”

“Nothing, at all?” Steve asks.

“Last thing I remember is… The damn programming telling me to look at your exhibit at the Smithsonian.” Bucky says.

Steve wants this to be a dream. He fell asleep in the elevator. He’ll wake up and Bucky will still be fine. “It’s okay Buck, it’s probably just…” Hydra sleeper agents in your head, permanent brain damage, you’re goin’ crazy, I’m going to lose you and they won’t be able to pull you back out, “Residual.”

“We’ll just have Dr. Banner check, to make sure it’s nothin’.” Steve tells Bucky in the elevator. 

Bucky send him a look that tells him he knows better.


	15. The Sergeant: Part 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The handler does not expect the Soldier's attack. The Weapon crashes into the handler's face, and when the Soldier pulls it away, there is blood on the metal. The Soldier drives the Weapon forward again, and again, turning the handler's face into an indistinguishable mass, covered in blood."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is really late, totally unbetaed, and really short. Soon, the author will get his shit together. Soon, but not now.
> 
> Major trigger warnings for this chapter, so please check the summary if you've had previous triggers in the story, or if you have triggers involving rape, medical experimentation, or loss of self.

Steve brings him back to the lab. Programming is coming back now, and it's takin' all Bucky's got to cling on to the semblance of him that's fading out. Steve, (Handler, programming hisses) looks scared out of his mind, but Bucky can't seem to get programming to let him open his damn mouth.

 

Doctor Banner, the doctor who got programming to fuck the hell off before, takes Steve aside, whispering things that he can still sorta hear. "...Brain damage...Could be permanent...Safety measures..." Banner says.

 

He can hear Steve hissing back, "...Have to try...He didn't do anything!...Can't lock him up..."

 

Bucky stares at the metal of the wall, and when programming hisses to take position, he tells it to take a fuckin' hike, and it feels like his brain just wiped itself. His temple hits the floor, and he can just hear Stevie's "Bucky!" As he blacks out.

 

\------

 

"Sergeant Barnes," Zola whispers, "you would not deny an omega his... Pleasures, would you?"

 

Bucky's just awake to know his hands are bound to the table? Desk? Something. And that Zola's leaning in close, breathing the stale scent of schnapps and vodka into his face.

 

Bucky's mouth is dry, but otherwise he might spit in Zola's face. When Zola grabs his cock, though, he tries. But Bucky's still dehydrated, and nothing comes into his mouth. So instead, he rasps, "I wouldn't have pegged you for an omega, Doc. Maybe a rat."

 

Zola backhands him, and Bucky's head spins. Zola unbuttons his slacks, and begins peeling off his clothes. Bucky gets one hell of an eye full before his eyes snap shut, but he gets a worse one when Zola climbs on top of him, and digs his fingernails into his chin. "You will watch me, Sergeant."

 

If he could close his eyes, Bucky could pretend that this was another dame, any dame, but with his eyes open, all he can see is Zola's body, lumpy in an almost unnatural way, legs hairy where any normal dame's would be shaved, head balding except for a comb-over that would look more at home on the sleazy mattress salesman back home than on a dame.

 

Zola's nails, clipped but talon sharp, keep Bucky looking straight between his legs, while his other hand unbuttons his slacks, and grabs his soft prick, nails grazing against the side of it, leaving scratches. "Sergeant Barnes." Zola hisses, nails pointing inward, and Bucky tries desperately to think of something, anything to get hard. It feels wrong, it's always felt wrong, but he tries to picture Steve, with his pretty lips wrapped tight around his cock. His cock hardens in Zola's hand, and Zola leers down at him. Bucky feels like vomiting.

 

Zola strokes down his length, and Bucky imagines Steve as an omega, crawling over him, breasts taught and pretty where Zola's are drooping. 'Jesus, Buck,' Mind Steve whispers, 'Miss me much?'

 

Mind Steve rocks backwards, sinking onto him, and Zola's nails dig in a little closer. "You seem to be enjoying yourself, Sergeant. I can be a very... Accommodating omega, if you would let me."

 

Mind Steve disappears, and Bucky's erection flags again. He focuses on not seeing Zola, on wide blue eyes, and pretty lips that'd be split in real life. 'God, Buck, I'm so damn lonely. Why'd ya' have to leave me, ya' jerk?'

Mind Steve's Brooklyn accent is even thicker than real Steve's accent, and it makes Bucky all the hotter for it.

 

Zola's nails scratch down his chest, leaving angry red marks he can see just under his shirt collar, and Mind Steve winces. 'Shh, Buck. Eyes up here.' Mind Steve braces himself on Bucky's shoulder, and pulls up.

 

Zola sinks onto his prick at the same time Mind Steve does, and the images overlap. Mind Steve leans forward, getting into Bucky's space. 'God, Buck, you're so hard.' Mind Steve breathes.

 

Bucky gives a little moan, and wishes he can shove it back down his throat when Zola smirks down at him. Bucky ignores him, and ignores wanting to reach out and touch Mind Steve.

 

Mind Steve's curves are tiny, but his hips are so fucking beautiful, his body takin' Bucky better than anything. His lips are a little round 'O' as he drops back onto Bucky's prick.

 

Zola is ruthless, though. He takes all that he can pry out of Bucky, and his body chases Mind Steve away like he's made outta smoke.

 

Bucky whispers "Stevie..." And Zola practically rips his face off.

 

"You are mine, Sargeant. Your American whores will never have you the way I have you right now." Zola hisses.

 

"Sure they will, Doc." Bucky smirks around the pain. "My dame's gonna have my heart, gonna have my kids, gonna have me. All you got is my prick, and half a' Brooklyn's had that."

 

Zola howls his anger, and Bucky can imagine him trying to kill him. Instead, Zola slams onto his prick so hard it hurts, and comes, walls clenching, not fluttering, like a normal omega.

 

\----

 

Bucky is vomiting all over himself. Where his arm was, there's just a stump.

 

"Sergeant Barnes. Have you missed me?" Zola's voice hisses in Bucky's ear. "Have you missed what I will create from you?"

 

Bucky's just lucid enough that he can talk, but he's in too much pain to actually answer. Instead, his voice, hoarse from screaming, starts to sing. "Who's strong and brave, here to save the American way? Who vows to fight like the man night an day? Who'll kick the krauts to Japan? The Star Spangled Man with a-"

 

The saw cuts off Bucky's voice again.

 

\---

 

"At attention, Soldier." The handler's voice snaps.

 

The Soldier is in a hotel room. There is an omega on the bed, who is afraid. The Soldier snaps into attention, and catalogues the omega's weak spots.

 

"Soldier." The Handler says, "Strip."

 

The Soldier strips mechanically, clothes and weapons falling into a pile on the floor. "You may leave your boots on." The handler says.

 

Standing at attention, the Soldier faces the handler.

 

"Copulate with the bitch on the bed. You have twenty minutes." The handler orders.

 

But something in the Soldier snaps. Something in the Soldier does not want to obey orders. Something in the Soldier screams that the Soldier will not be a rapist, will not touch this omega, will not touch any omega. Some part of the Soldier's brain provides the Soldier with flashes of blond hair, perky breasts, and blue, blue eyes, and the Soldier snaps.

 

The handler does not expect the Soldier's attack. The Weapon crashes into the handler's face, and when the Soldier pulls it away, there is blood on the metal. The Soldier drives the Weapon forward again, and again, turning the handler's face into an indistinguishable mass, covered in blood.

 

The Soldier lets the omega go. He goes mute, but the Soldier does not try to fix it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: In this chapter, Bucky's memories resurface again, starting with the memory of Zola raping him, where he had envisioned Steve, who he did not yet know was an omega, having sex with him. After this, he remembers waking up after his arm was amputated, and suffering without painkillers. Zola taunts him over the rape, and Bucky sings Captain America's theme song through his torture. During the last memory, Bucky remembers his handler trying to have him impregnate an omega, and Bucky violently killing him.


End file.
